I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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