is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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