i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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