Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
