For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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