you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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