Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
