if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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