found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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