I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
