Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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