Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
