I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
