How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
