I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
