i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
