I am spending my child support on dildos
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
