how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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