Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
