we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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