watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
