I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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