The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
