The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
