Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
