the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
