The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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