omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wear drunk well.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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