His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
