a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
