I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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