R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
