So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
