Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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