At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
