i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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