in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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