Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
