My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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