Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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