whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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