true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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