Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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