i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
