I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
