$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
