I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
