Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
