11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
