I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
