I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
