it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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