she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boobs speak an international language.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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