You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
