The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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