it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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