I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Oh god it's open bar.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
