Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
