i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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