why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
