Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
