Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
