u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
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Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
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I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize