Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I FOUND THE LEGS
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
