You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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