We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
